


Sacrifice

by Aria6



Series: A Coyote's Stories [32]
Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M, Post-Aizen, Shinigami!Starrk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 19:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3353282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria6/pseuds/Aria6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author's Note: I think the next chapter will be from Shunsui's perspective, hehe… how am I doing? Let me know please! ^_^</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I don't want to do this._

Starrk looked at the gates in front of him, his eyes misty with tears. Then he glanced down at the girl holding his hand. Lilinette was looking around alertly, worried but also very excited. This was the first time she had seen the Seireitei, even from the outside.

Starrk just looked at her for a moment, marvelling at what she was becoming. His Lilinette was growing up. She would never be tall but she'd gained height and was starting to fill out. The clothes she were wearing were all too short, exposing her ankles and wrists. She looked healthy and well fed, the picture of a content child.

That was a direct contrast to himself. Starrk knew he looked gaunt and tired, far too thin for his lanky frame. Lilinette didn't know because he'd carefully kept it from her, but he sacrificed ruthlessly to keep her fed. She ate like a young horse but he knew she needed every bit of it, if she was to grow and thrive.

"Starrk? I don't know…" She tugged on his hand and he stopped, looking down at her.

"You will be fine." He said gently. The shinigami were looking for recruits and having a fair outside the gates. Starrk was concealing his spiritual pressure ruthlessly. "Remember what we discussed." He'd had to be very firm with her and wasn't certain he'd really gotten through.

"I don't know why I can't tell them about you!" No, he hadn't. Starrk sighed to himself. It was so hard because Lilinette didn't remember. He was the only one cursed with the memories of the thing they had been. "You're way more powerful than me! You'd make a good shinigami!" She said insistently and he bent over to hug her. She sniffled, hugging him back tightly. "I don't want to be alone." She said, her voice wobbling a bit. Starrk's arms around her tightened. He felt the exact same way. How could he not? They had been together forever. But…

"Shh. This will be better for you." He whispered in her ear. "You'll make friends. Remember me fondly, but look forward." She had so much hope in her future and this was the best place to find it. The shinigami would feed and house her, teach her to use her spiritual pressure. And unlike him, she was not particularly recognizable. Her hair had changed to a soft blonde and her eyes were blue. Likely the shade they had been before her death, it separated her very strongly from the arrancar girl she had been. "I can't come with you. Trust me, Lilinette." If he came it would be both their death sentences. Starrk had no faith in shinigami mercy. He was only doing this at all because the alternative was worse.

"Starrk…" Her arms around him tightened for a moment before she let go, reaching up to rub her face. "I trust you… I'm just scared. Come with me?" She asked and he hesitated before nodding.

"I'll help get you signed in." The odds that there was anyone here who would recognize him was nil. He could only sense basic shinigami. They might detect his power, but he doubted it. Starrk took her hand again and brought her to the tables, trying to remain inconspicuous. It was possible, if someone was very alert, that they would notice the signs of starvation on him. Only those with high reiryoku needed to eat.

As it happened, though, no one was that aware. All their attention was on Lilinette, not her guardian. Starrk handed her to the shinigami with a sense of relief. Not because he wanted her to go but because it would increase both their odds for survival. If they continued this way, sooner or later he would become very ill. Starrk sensed that he was already dangerously close to it. And when that happened, Lilinette would have no one to support her. This was much better even if it posed new dangers.

Starrk finally left the grounds, trudging back towards his little home in the Rukongai. It wasn't much, just a broken down piece of masonry that kept the wind off and shielded him a bit from rain. It would be so much colder without Lilinette there, but he comforted himself with the thought that she would be safe.

It might be hard for him, but he had done the right thing.

* * *

The next year was hard on them both in different ways.

Lilinette had to adjust to being without Starrk and it was hard for her. He'd always been the one to censor her, force her to be nice to those around her. At first, she didn't make many friends among the new recruits. But gradually, she was forced to modulate her own behavior. And she had no problem reaching out. It took time, but she was learning to make friends.

Starrk was a different matter. Despite desiring companionship he had immense difficulty reaching out. When they had been together, Lilinette had brought him out of his shell, forced him to interact. Without her, he retreated, becoming almost a hermit. He spent most of his days by the banks of the river, gazing sadly into the murky water. The rest of the time, he fished and scavenged for food.

After a while, though, he began to give up. It was nothing obvious. But less effort went into finding food. Fewer fish were caught. Starrk was surviving more and more on snails, because he had little will to catch anything else. At first he tried to find odd jobs, things to earn some money, but that also faded. Hunger became a constant but it hardly bothered him. After all, there was no one to make him care.

However, Lilinette and Starrk were still connected. They had once been a single soul and while that link was mostly severed, it wasn't entirely. Sometimes, they dreamed about each other.

" _Starrk, you look awful!"Lilinette sounded horrified and Starrk glanced over himself. "When was the last time you changed your clothes? When was the last time you had a bath?"_

" _Last week." He said, conveniently forgetting that the 'bath' had consisted of wading into the water to hunt crayfish. Lilinette looked highly skeptical. "I'm fine. What are you –" He was abruptly cut off by the furious girl._

" _You're not fine at all! Don't give me that! You look… really bad!" Starrk sighed to himself as he realized what was happening. When they had been together his condition had slipped so gradually it had seemed normal to her. Now that they were apart she could more clearly see the decline. "Have you been eating right?"_

" _Lilinette… things are hard. I'll try more." He said, hoping to head this off. "I promise." As he said the words, he meant them. But he knew that would fade as soon as he was alone again. He had very little will to live, being so completely alone. She frowned at him before switching tactics._

" _You should become a shinigami Starrk. You'd be really good! You're way more powerful than me! I could mention you to my teachers –" Lilinette started and Starrk stiffened in fear._

" _No!" Despite his passive suicide, the thought of being found by shinigami filled him with terror. The thought of meeting the one in pink… he put a hand to his chest, feeling the scar there. He'd kept it, along with their memories. As he touched the ridged tissue he remembered the excruciating pain, the sensation of choking on his own blood. And the emptiness in his mind, the lack where his other half should be. That sharpened the terror and focused on the girl in front of him. "They must not know about me. Promise me Lilinette!" The thought of dying that way again was bad but what they would do to Lilinette… he would do anything to keep her safe. Anything._

" _Starrk, why are you so scared?" Lilinette asked, shaken by the naked fear in his face. He blinked and shook his head, swallowing hard. He could almost taste the blood._

" _It… doesn't matter. But you must not tell them about me. Promise me." He demanded until she finally gave in and promised to keep him a secret. Soon after, the dream faded and they were apart again._

Starrk remembered and for a while the dream motivated him. But too much damage had already been done. Perhaps a month later he huddled in his shelter, coughing occasionally into his hand. His body burned with a fever he was too weak to fight off. Something that would have been a minor nuisance to a normal plus soul and completely ineffective on a shinigami was lethal to someone who was both powerful and badly weakened. Starrk drifted off into a delirious daze that was not quite sleep, but close. And as he did, he dreamed.

" _Starrk?" Lilinette was there again. He smile at her from where he sat on the sand. "Starrk! Are you sick?" Her hands were on him and they felt so cold on his overheated skin. "You're really sick!"_

" _I'm fine Lilinette." He said tranquilly. It was an out and out lie, of course. He was probably dying. In fact, almost certainly dying. It didn't bother him, as long as his Lilinette was safe. She stared at him in disbelief before punching him in the chest. The blow was weak and distant._

" _No you're NOT! Stop lying to me Starrk! Stop trying to hide everything from me!" To his alarm she was starting to cry. Big, huge tears dripping down her face and off her pointed chin… he reached up to try to wipe them away, his hands shaking. "I care for you as much as you care for me! You can't die Starrk! I won't let you!"_

" _Lilinette, shh. There's nothing you can do for me." He said softly, feeling a deep sorrow for her. He regretted nothing for himself, but he wished she had not dreamed of him. He wished she could have gone on in blissful ignorance of his fate. "Please, just remember me fondly. That is all I want." She could carry him in her heart and something of him would live on. She grabbed him, hugging him tightly and ignoring the wet, filthy clothing he still wore, even in the dream. She sobbed and he held her, in the barren sands of his mind…_

Starrk woke up barely remembering that dream. He made his way to the river, trying to find some food despite how terrible he felt. If he was to have any chance of survival he needed to eat. He really didn't care that much but something moved him to keep trying.

It was several hours later that Starrk managed to catch a fish. He sat with his prize, tearing it apart with his fingers and eating it raw. There was no way he could make a fire in the rain, anyway. Cold, raw fish would just have to do.

"Coyote Starrk?" The voice made him freeze and he turned his head, feeling like he'd suddenly plummeted into a nightmare. His eyes widened and he made a small, choked off whine as he saw the pink, the straw hat that was gathering rain and slowly dripping from the brim, past the grey eyes…

_No!_ Starrk's mind shrieked denial and he went for the only escape available to him… the nearby river. He dove right into it, terror giving him the energy he needed to swim. The current was strong and he heard shouts behind him, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was the intense struggle to keep his head above water, trying to reach the opposite bank of the river. The current swept him further and further downstream, but that was good. If it only took him far enough…

Starrk finally managed to catch the root of a tree. He clung to the gnarled thing, struggling desperately for his life. He finally managed to grip another, then another, laboriously pulling himself to the shore. Then he climbed onto the bank, coughing, soaked and trembling with cold and sickness.

Then his gaze fell on sandaled feet. Utterly exhausted and without hope, Starrk raised his gaze. The shinigami was looking down at him with an amused yet cautious smile. His white haired friend was there too, Starrk dully noted. It seemed like overkill for one helpless plus soul. But then, they couldn't be certain of that, he supposed.

Starrk surrendered to his fate then, allowing himself to go limp with a small sigh. He rested his cheek in the wet earth, closing his eyes as he accepted death. It would be painful. Death always was. But at least it might be a bit faster than last time. That had taken what felt like forever, for his lungs and heart to finally stop working.

"Espada-san?" Starrk ignored the inquiry. What did it matter? He was dead.

"He's as sick as she said." There was a hand on his hair, feeling his forehead. "Coyote Starrk?" The white haired taichou. What was his name again? Ukitake. Yes, that was it. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing that white hair.

"…" He closed his eyes again, just waiting for the fatal blow. "I am ready." He finally said. Why were they taking so long? He'd known they were ruthless and brutal, but he really hadn't thought they would be sadistic as well. He vaguely heard the rustle of cloth, someone kneeling beside him? Another hand went through his hair, stroking away the soaked strands. If the circumstances had been otherwise he might have thought the gesture was kind. Now it just seemed like a grotesque mockery of the emotion.

"Ready for what, Espada-san?" The man in pink asked. What was his name again? Kyoraku? He wasn't sure. But again, what did it matter? He might have retained his memories as a plus soul but Starrk didn't think he would as a human infant. Or, perhaps, a soul fragment. He remembered sensing what the old, powerful one had done to Wonderweiss. Yes, perhaps that was to be his fate. Was that why they were taking so long? He wondered, dully, how much having his very soul torn apart would hurt. He suspected it would be excruciatingly painful. Short? Possibly, it hadn't taken Wonderweiss very long to shatter.

"I am ready to die." He finally said, since they seemed determined to make him say it. "Please, stop tormenting me. I did not think you were a sadist, taichou-san." The hand in his hair paused, then vanished. Starrk did not open his eyes, staying completely limp in the dirt and the rain. He could smell the earth, a pleasant scent in his nostrils. There was a rock digging into his hip but he ignored the slight discomfort.

"Why do you think we would kill you?" The white haired one asked, sounding shaken. Starrk thought that was a very stupid question. Was the answer not obvious?

"You are shinigami. You are cruel and merciless. You crush anyone and anything that dares oppose you." He murmured, hoping his words would finally move them to end his life. Why was he being played with this way? "I opposed you, I will die. Please finish it." Although that made him think of his Lilinette. Was she already dead? The pain of that thought was agonizing and he was tempted to ask, but then he discarded the thought. If they were kind, they would lie to him. He could not trust their words so why waste his breath? The thought made him sigh as he allowed the sodden ground to hold him like a mother. Why in hell was it all taking so long…?

"I think he's delirious." The one in pink sounded troubled. Starrk couldn't imagine why. "We need to get him to the Fourth." Was that where they tortured prisoners? Starrk whined softly at the thought. He'd shown them mercy once. Couldn't they give him at least the slightest bit of it in turn? Was a swift death truly asking too much?

He did try to struggle a bit, when they lifted him up. He did not want to be imprisoned and tortured. But all he energy was spent and they controlled him easily, saying soothing lies. Starrk finally slumped, his head spinning as all the exertion and his disease caught up with him. The darkness ate away his vision, despite his struggles against it.

Then he fell unconscious and knew nothing more.


	2. Chapter 2

Starrk woke up to warmth and a surprising lack of pain.

His mind was still hazy from the fever but he was tracking as he glanced around, taking in his surroundings. He was in some kind of room? Under soft blankets. It was very warm and soft compared to what he was used to and he was tempted to just settle in and sleep. He preferred a good cushion but he hadn't had one of those in so long that anything would do…

Then he remembered and any temptation to rest vanished. His eyes went wide as he sat up, stifling a groan as dizziness struck him. He was not even remotely well but he had to escape while they thought he was still helpless. He stumbled for the door, trying to hide his reiatsu. Unfortunately, he failed. His illness made him flare unpredictably and the door opened, a very tall woman stopping his flight.

"You should not be out of bed. You are very sick." She gripped his arm and tried to steer him back but Starrk gave her a push. Not with his hands or body, but with his reiatsu. His control over his power as a plus soul was laughable, but she was much weaker and was shoved back several steps, her eyes wide with surprise. He used the moment to break for the door –

And almost ran into a second woman. This one made him whimper because he could sense the depth of her power. She was like the man in pink… he would have absolutely no hope against her.

"Starrk-san, please come back to bed." She said firmly before gripping his arm. Starrk did the only thing he could think of… he went limp, letting her take his full weight. That took her off guard – for all the strength of her reiatsu, she could not hold him with a single hand – and she was pulled down. He shoved sharply at her with his reiatsu, throwing her further off balance, then sharply jerked away and ran for the door. He had to – "Hainawa!" The golden chains wound around him, putting him on the ground and Starrk cried out. _No!_ Then she was saying something else and his mind reeled before descending into darkness.

He knew nothing more.

* * *

The next time Starrk woke up, he was in restraints.

It was not uncomfortable. They were chains that would prevent him from turning over or leaving the bed, but they did give him enough slack to find a comfortable position. He tilted his head, gazing them over thoughtfully before testing them. They were much too strong to break but the chain had quite a bit of length to it. Starrk contemplated that before nodding. It would be gruesome and excruciatingly painful, but he could use that to kill himself. And he might want to get started on that before they realized his intentions…

Looping the chains over his throat, he took a deep breath before slowly releasing it. He didn't want to do this. He really, really, really didn't. But he wanted to be tortured even less. Acting with grim concentration, he began to tighten the chains. The key to it was to make it so they would not release when he lost consciousness. The screaming of his lungs, the agony of his body was secondary to his absolute determination. He had to make this happen.

He was just starting to pass out when the door to his room opened. Starrk could hardly hear the woman. Her voice was so vague and distant but he did hear it.

"Starrk-san, would you – _Unohana taichou!_ " Vaguely, as he lost consciousness, Starrk felt a moment of despair.

Why couldn't he just die?

* * *

The next time he woke up, Starrk was in full restraints.

He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. The cuffs on his wrists and ankles kept him from moving. Closing his eyes, he mentally gave up. The shinigami could do what they liked with him. There was nothing he could do to stop it. He didn't open his eyes as the door opened again.

"You know, Starrk-san, I would not have pegged you for the suicidal type." The man in pink. Starrk shivered slightly as he remembered before reluctantly opening his eyes. The man was standing beside his bed, looking down at him contemplatively.

"You don't know me at all, taichou-san." He said tiredly before closing his eyes again. Really, a few minutes on a battlefield hardly gave insight to character. Or maybe it did, but Starrk didn't feel like admitting it.

"I think I know you quite well, actually. Lilinette has been eager to tell us all about you." That sent a jolt of pain through his chest and Starrk could almost taste the blood. He swallowed hard, trying to force that feeling back.

"Lilinette…" He whispered her name, forcing himself to open his eyes. "Do you intend to kill her again, taichou-san?" He asked, his voice uneven. The other man stared at him, apparently taken aback by his question. Not that Starrk would ever trust his expression to show him the truth. He knew much better than that.

"Why would I do that? She's only a helpless child." He said and Starrk laughed. It was a short, bitter sound.

"As if that would stop you for eliminating a potential threat." He knew better than that. "And me? I am certainly a threat." They had to know he had his memories. The shinigami – was his name Kyoraku? He honestly couldn't remember – raised the brim of his hat, regarding him with calm grey eyes.

"Do you intend to free Aizen, then?" He asked and Starrk laughed again. This time it had a brittle, painful edge.

"After what he did to Halibel? I hope he rots." He said with a vicious edge of hate. The man in pink started to nod but then stopped, an arrested look on his face.

"How do you know about that? It happened well after you fell." He said and Starrk swallowed, blinking rapidly. That question brought back the moment and he could taste the blood again, rising in the back of his throat.

"I… I…" He wheezed as it suddenly felt difficult to breathe, as if the air was made out of something heavier, like water. He could feel his heart racing and felt sweat breaking out along his hairline. "I…" His chest hurt. The pain seemed to radiate from the scar there and he shuddered, trembling as the memories began to overwhelm him. "Lilinette…" He gasped, trying to find her in his mind. But he couldn't. She wasn't there. _She's dead. She died before me, just like Barragan died, just like Halibel died, the fraccion, oh god I am alone please no I can't be alone again!_ He could taste the blood, feel the agonizing pain as his traitorous body simply refused to give up hope of rescue… rescue that he knew was impossible when he felt Halibel's pain and betrayal, knew their god had forsaken them. _No please stop let it stop I want to die I want to die…_ Starrk was vaguely aware of something biting into his wrists but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the struggle to breathe as blood clogged his throat and slowly, too slowly filled his lungs.

"Coyote Starrk." Somehow, that voice penetrated his panic. Starrk blinked as he was forced to focus on blue eyes. "You are having a panic attack. Please remain calm."

"Calm? I… Lilinette…?" He still couldn't find her. Then he remembered. He wasn't supposed to find her now. She wasn't part of him anymore, they were two whole beings, almost entirely independent of each other.

"What happened?" Taichou-san. He sounded concerned. "A panic attack?" He sounded questioning and Starrk gasped before responding.

"You asked… how I knew. I wasn't dead. I was dying… it took me so long to die." He shivered, remembering the pain of it. "I felt Halibel die, felt Aizen kill her. I felt him fighting all of you… that horrible old man… what happened to Wonderweiss… I felt it all." He closed his eyes, feeling the agony of it. "Aizen must have known I was alive. He could have… but he didn't. No one did. I finally died, alone. So completely alone." He'd known the shinigami were still alive but severely injured, perhaps even dying. "I'm almost glad Lilinette died first. She was spared that." Her death had been incredibly swift in comparison. And he would never, ever have wanted her to suffer the way he had suffered. "Lilinette…" Although it had been a torture for him, not having her there. He shuddered before a hand gently touched his head, a warmth enfolding him. The kido seemed to penetrate his body and Starrk relaxed in spite of himself, eased away from another bout of stress induced panic. He knew the kindness was a lie but he accepted it anyway. What else could he do?

"Kami." The man in pink sounded shocked. Starrk wondered why. Why would he care about the pain of a mere hollow? "I apologize, Starrk-san. I had no idea you were still alive." He said after a moment and Starrk shrugged a little, closing his eyes.

"Would it really have mattered? I was nothing but a hollow." He said, feeling drained. There was a sigh above him and a hand gripped his shoulder, giving him a squeeze.

"You know, I am not a sadist, Starrk-san. If I'd had any idea you were dying like that I would have given you mercy." He said and Starrk had no idea if he should believe the man or not. And did it really matter at this point? What was done was done. "But if you do not intend to free Aizen, why do you think we should kill you?" He asked. Starrk felt like he was being probed at but he was much too tired to think of anything but the truth. He opened his eyes before he spoke.

"Because that is what you do." He said tiredly and the other man lifted his eyebrows. The disbelief there suddenly ignited his anger. "You know, I'm not illiterate and Tosen had plenty of books. Including the unexpurgated history of Soul Society." He said and saw the faintest shadow of a wince in the other man. "The Quincy, the Bounts, all the others… I know what you do to those who oppose you. And I'm nothing but a plus soul. We're hardly more than trash. Useful trash, sometimes, but still nearly worthless." He said with an edge. "If we can become shinigami, if we can become powerful enough, maybe we earn some minor consideration… if we're lucky." Starrk knew that was true. He'd observed it in the Rukongai. The shinigami tried to sugarcoat it for recruits but there was always a prejudice against ones from the Living World. Shunsui frowned at him then.

"That's hardly true. Plenty of shinigami come from the Living World and they are well respected in our ranks." He argued and Starrk sighed softly. He was sure the other man thought so. He hadn't observed things from the bottom, looking up. "And if you truly believe that, why did you send Lilinette to us?"

"Because I did not want her to starve to death, taichou-san." He said, wishing the other man would go away. He was too tired for this. "I couldn't find enough food for us both. I hid it from her, sacrificed to keep her fed, but it couldn't go on. I was becoming so tired and weak…" Starrk could hear his voice slurring. So tired… the other man heard it too and there was a soft sigh from above him.

"I see we have a long way to go to convince you, Starrk-san. But I don't think we're quite ready to give up. Go to sleep." A hand touched his shoulder again. Starrk vaguely wondered why the other man was even trying. Hadn't he made it clear that he would not trust them? And why did they even want his trust? What use was he to them? But he was too tired to think about it further.

Relaxing into his restraints, he allowed himself to drift into sleep.

* * *

"He's going to be even more difficult than I thought. And I never thought he would be easy." Shunsui drank his sake as Juushiro sipped his tea.

"That bad? From what Lilinette had said I had hoped…" He said, remembering that sweet little girl. She'd filled their ears with stories of how wonderful and caring Starrk was. How he'd always taken care of her, held her when she was hurt, protected her from any threats. How quiet and strong he was. She did have a few negative things to say – she said he was lazy and had trouble talking to people until she kicked him a bit – but overall, Lilinette had portrayed him as a kind, gentle man. Shunsui sighed, looking into his drink as he idly turned the cup.

"He's more distrustful than a recruit from the highest numbered slums." He said sadly, remembering Starrk's behavior. He could not have made his feelings more obvious. "It's a combination of things… apparently, Tosen gave him our full history, the kind we usually only allow taichou to have." He said and Juushiro winced, looking into his tea. For practically forever, things had been kept from the rank and file shinigami. They were often as short lived as humans. How could they be expected to understand the hard choices that sometimes had to be made? "And it seems what he observed since did nothing to change his mind." That wasn't surprising, in the Rukongai. "The worst part, though, is the panic attacks he keeps having. Usually around me." He raised the sake to his lips, taking a sip before setting the cup down. "Memories of his death." He couldn't help the guilt in his voice. "I didn't mean to torture him, Juu."

"It's not your fault, Shunsui. You couldn't have known." His friend said comfortingly. Juushiro had already heard of what had happened to Coyote Starrk. All of the Gotei 13 had been briefed on Unohana's unusual patient. "Has he made any progress at all?" It had been nearly a month. Shunsui shrugged.

"Physically? A great deal. His condition was horrendous. You know that." Juushiro nodded. They'd all gotten a complete briefing on Starrk's condition. Starved, filthy and extremely sick, but there had been more than that. A bad case of intestinal parasites, including a huge tapeworm. That had helped to explain part of why he was so incredibly sick. "Retsu has finally completed his deworming." That had been a grueling process that had to be done in stages. A large parasite die off could cause Starrk terrible distress. "And she finally managed to kill the damned tapeworm, so he's actually getting to keep his food. He's put on some weight and he's moving around, under supervision."

"And mentally?" Juushiro asked as Shunsui paused. His friend grimaced before taking a sip of his sake.

"We have to keep him under close supervision. He broke a mirror, once, when we were careless. Fortunately he hadn't done much with the shards by the time the medics reached him." He said and Juushiro winced. "He hesitated, I think. So that's something, eh?" Shunsui said with a smile that quickly vanished. "I think he only hesitated because we'd brought Lilinette to see him the previous day."

"Ah." They both knew that Starrk had reacted to seeing Lilinette with intense relief. That pained Shunsui because he thought it meant that Starrk hadn't really believed him when he said she was alive and well. It seemed the former Espada only trusted what he could see and touch. "What about…" Juushiro hesitated, not sure if he should bring it up. But Shunsui was in the thick of things. His best friend smiled, half-heartedly.

"What about everyone else? I think half the Gotei 13 thinks he should be thrown into the Mukan and forgotten about. We've sent shinigami there for less, after all." Shunsui said lightly but Juushiro wasn't fooled. He knew Shunsui couldn't stand the thought of Starrk disappearing that way. "Soi Fon would love to make him quietly vanish. And wouldn't that prove him right about us?"

"Shunsui…" Juushiro bit his lip as he sensed how deeply his best friend's pain went. "It's not perfect. It will never be perfect. We just have to do the best we can." He said gently and Shunsui's eyes flashed for a moment before he finished his sake and poured himself another cup.

"I know. But not this time." He said quietly and Juushiro could hear the absolute determination in his voice. "He's going to be mine, Juu. I'm not going to let him disappear. Retsu is helping me. We're going to get him through this." Juushiro wanted to protest. He knew it wasn't entirely up to Shunsui or even Unohana. But he bit the words back, sensing they would be useless. He'd rarely seen Shunsui like this but the last time it had been with Nanao, when he'd decided that come hell or high water, she would be his fukutaichou.

"Good luck." He said, hoping for the best. Things usually did work out the way Shunsui wanted. Nanao was his fukutaichou, after all.

Hopefully he would be able to win Coyote Starrk over, too.


	3. Chapter 3

"Starrk-san, it's time for you to make a choice."

"What choice would that be, taichou-san?" Starrk asked idly although, truthfully, he knew. His body had healed well. He was not at all fat – those with reiatsu as high as his couldn't put on fat unless they habitually and deliberately overindulged – but he was no longer wasted. He was not as hard and strong as he'd once been, but that would come with more exercise and training. Kyoraku gave him a hard stare.

"You don't play dumb very convincingly, you know." He said and Starrk sighed, glancing away. "You need to decide what your future will be."

"I was unaware I had any choice in the matter. Why don't you just tell me what my future will be?" He asked, settling into a chair and slumping, his habitual pose. He heard Shunsui sigh, heard the rustle as he took a seat. Then Starrk twitched as the other man scooted closer, almost close enough to touch.

"You do have a choice, Starrk-san." He said and Starrk lifted his head to gaze into grey eyes. They looked so old, so… wise? He did not want to admit it but he knew it was true. "You can either choose to become a shinigami, or opt to be sent to the Mukan. It's where we put those with great power who refuse to use it responsibly." He said and Starrk smiled, with a bitter edge of wormwood.

"Is that so? Is Aizen there?" He asked and the widening of the shinigami's eyes told him he'd hit the mark dead on. "I thought so. You couldn't kill him, could you." That was a statement, not a question. "It must be a fearsome place, if you're not afraid to put me there." He said idly. So close to Aizen… he could attempt to free the man. He wouldn't, but some of the shinigami no doubt feared that. Kyoraku chuckled, although there was no humor in the sound.

"It's only terribly fearsome for our dangerous prisoners. Completely untrained, you would not be considered that. You could move around and interact with the other inmates. But if you make that choice, you will never come back… or see Lilinette again." He said and Starrk flinched. He'd gotten to speak to Lilinette several times. She'd been so glad to see him but also very angry with him for allowing himself to get so sick. She still didn't understand why he didn't want to be a shinigami. "Or you can go to the Academy and become a shinigami."

"…Aren't I a bit old for the Academy, taichou-san?" He asked, stalling for time. Although it was true. He was a full-fledged adult. Kyoraku smiled at him sunnily.

"Not at all! Students come in at all ages. The minimum is fifteen but there is no maximum." He said easily and Starrk blinked, although he supposed it made sense. If someone managed to hide their spiritual pressure they could live outside the shinigami society for a very long time. "You would have to be exempted from some classes and be under the personal supervision of a mentor, but even that is far from unknown. Yama-jii was my personal mentor, once upon a time."

"Mmm." Starrk considered that suspect. "Was that because the Academy at the time couldn't handle you, taichou-san?" He asked and the man shrugged, which was hardly an answer. "Who would this mentor be? You?" He had a feeling… Kyoraku smiled at him cheerfully.

"It's like you read my mind!" He said and Starrk sighed to himself. He was sure this man had been selected because the others knew he'd destroyed Starrk when he was still an Espada. Would it be any challenge now for him to kill the young plus soul? Not even remotely. Vaguely, he wondered if he could accept and then stage an escape. But where would he escape to? It seemed he was terrible at surviving without some kind of contact to provide motivation. It was almost sickening, but even conversing with taichou-san was something. Although…

"I won't be in the same classes as Lilinette, will I?" He asked. Kyoraku frowned before shaking his head.

"No. I don't want to be offensive, Starrk-san, but her power is only ordinary. Also, she is less educated than you are." He sounded a touch uncomfortable and Starrk wondered what that meant. The history of Soul Society? Quite likely. "You will probably be in the accelerated classes. However, you will see her often and be able to have lunch with her."

"I see." That sounded rather nice, in a way. Away from her when he needed to concentrate on learning, with her when they could both relax. Starrk loved Lilinette but he knew that if they were together while trying to learn, it might not work out terribly well. "Can I change my mind and opt for the Mukan if I decide I hate it?" He asked and Kyoraku made a small, choking sound that Starrk realized after a confused moment was held back laughter.

"The door to the Mukan is always open, Starrk-san!" He said after regaining his breath and Starrk couldn't help but smile. "So you accept?"

"Very well. I accept." He acquiesced. He didn't trust them and probably never would, as an organization at least. Was trust on the personal level possible? Perhaps.

They would have to see.

* * *

Starrk lay in the hammock, enjoying the warm summer day. It really was a beautiful day… the sun was warm on his skin but there was just enough of a breeze to avoid any overheating. Precisely the kind of day that called for a good sleep in the sun.

"Starrk-san!" Starrk peeled open one eyelid at that call. "Where are you?" He needed to speak. How annoying. Sighing, he raised his voice.

"Out here!" That easily summoned his searcher. "What is it, taichou-san?" He asked drowsily, closing his eyes again.

"Lazing around again? Have you done your work?" Kyoraku questioned and Starrk waved vaguely towards a nearby table. He'd been working in the sun before he'd decided to take a nap. He heard the rustle of paper and knew that taichou-san was checking his work. "…You're done? Impressive."

"Not really. It's strategic." He murmured, not opening his eyes. The other man made an interrogative sound and he explained. "The more quickly I complete my work, the faster I can get to the important business of sleeping in the sun. I work very fast, when I am motivated." There was a laugh nearby.

"Ah, I wish I could emulate you! Nanao is threatening to hit me if I can't start getting my paperwork in on time." He said cheerfully and Starrk opened a single eye to regard him. Kyoraku looked as happy as he sounded, smiling and also enjoying the warmth of the sun.

"If you're that bad, taichou-san, that horrible old man should give you a motivational whipping." He said as he closed his eye. There was a choking sound above him.

"Starrk-san! What a terrible thing to suggest. I'll have you know I haven't been whipped in centuries." He said and Starrk wasn't too surprised.

"Clever enough to weasel out of it? Unfortunately, that has never been my strong suit." He murmured and smiled to himself as he heard the other man laugh. "Aizen believed in some very direct means of motivation." Whipping had been prominent but there had been far more than that. Starrk was fairly sure it was standard means of shinigami discipline, although he couldn't be sure of that. "I didn't mind the whippings too much, but the hot irons were really quite an incentive." There was a silence and Starrk opened one eye to see taichou-san staring at him, his expression suddenly somber. "That shocks you? But a mere whipping is often not enough, for hollows. Our hierro can deaden much of the pain."

"I see. And I wish you wouldn't refer to yourself as a hollow, Starrk-san. You're a plus soul now." He said, which made Starrk frown slightly because it was true.

"Sorry. Old habits." He said after a moment. "You're right, I'll try to stop." He said seriously. He knew Kyoraku had a good point. "Taichou-san? Perhaps we could meditate?" He was still trying to find his sword spirit. He knew it was there, could feel the awareness struggling to reach him. He wanted it, wanted to find it. It felt like that presence in the back of his mind might fill the hole that had been left when Lilinette had become her own person.

"Certainly. And, Starrk-san? You really don't have to call me that." He said, sounding mildly pained. Starrk smiled as he sat up in his hammock.

"Shall I call you Kyoraku sensei, then?" He said playfully, certain that the other man would hate it. Sure enough, he made a face. "Or perhaps Shun-jii?"

"Oh kami! No! Never that!" Kyoraku said pleadingly, horrified by the thought. "Just call me Shunsui. Or Shunsui-san, if you want to be formal."

"Mmm." Did he really want to be formal with this man? Starrk looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. He lived with Shunsui, had been living with him for almost six months. The formality was a slight expression of distrust, a way of maintaining distance. But did he really need that? "I will call you Shunsui if you call me Starrk." He finally said and saw the other man smile. It was a small smile, but very sincere.

"I would like that, Starrk." He said and Starrk nodded before standing. "Shall we?"

"Please." There was a special place in the gardens that they preferred for entering Jinzen. Finding that place, they both sat cross legged and rested their swords across their laps. Although it was a bit more challenging for Shunsui, with two blades to deal with. Starrk closed his eyes and rested his hand on his sword, entering the meditative trance.

He would find his sword spirit, and soon. He was sure of it.

* * *

_Loneliness._

_So alone. So hurt. So in pain. Reaching, desperately needing to connect again. Struggling to find the heart that had called._

_Another hand reaching out, equally lonely and in aching pain. So full of distrust, yet still trying to find something, anything to believe in. Betrayed… yes, they both knew the taste of betrayal. They were so different yet so much the same…_

_Soon, they would come together. Soon, they would find each other and never be alone again._

_Soon._

* * *

"Starrrk!" Starrk winced as he was tackled, staggering beneath the weight of a young woman. Lilinette really was too big for this sort of thing but she liked to do it anyway. "How have you been doing? Have you been eating right?" She looked him over skeptically and he laughed softly before ruffling her hair.

"Yes, just like I was yesterday." He said fondly. After his episode with near starvation, Lilinette felt it was her job to mother hen him. She insisted on stuffing him every time they met, which was fine since it was lunch. "Shall we?" The mess hall line was waiting for them.

Soon they had their food and Starrk settled in with Lilinette and her friends, smiling as he listened to them chatter. He was much older than them and in the normal course of things, it would have been odd that he was eating with them. But everyone thought Lilinette was his sister, which was a fair enough rendition of their relationship.

Lilinette pushed him to speak a few times, and Starrk did his best to participate. It was always difficult for him. Strangely enough, Shunsui had figured that out and was starting to do the same thing. Starrk wasn't really sure how he felt about that but he was getting used to it. It seemed he would always need a kick in the pants to go out and talk to people.

"OI STARRK!" He started as Lilinette practically shoved a sushi roll in his face. "Eat! You're not eating enough again!" She ordered and he laughed before taking the roll.

"I'm eating plenty – oh." He followed her gaze to his plate and saw he'd only eaten perhaps a quarter of it. "Sorry. Thinking."

"Stop thinking and start eating! Jeez, you have no survival instinct at all." She groused and some of her friends looked sympathetic. They'd all heard about his near fatal experience. Starrk sighed to himself before eating the roll, finding it was eel. He liked that quite a bit. He took another roll, enjoying the salty roe, before eating a sweet mango one. There was a wide variety of flavors. It was all infinitely better than raw fish, eaten by the side of a river.

Pushing aside that unpleasant thought, he took a long drink of his water. It was very refreshing and he quickly polished off the rest of his food, enjoying the seaweed salad that went along with it. Really, the food here was very tasty.

All too soon lunch was over and he had to bid Lilinette goodbye. Starrk went to his kido class feeling almost lighthearted. He was very good at manipulating his power, he always had been, and kido came readily to him. That did worry him, a bit. He'd even considered hiding his abilities, pretending to be much worse than he was. But he knew himself and knew he couldn't really maintain such a deception. Shunsui would certainly detect it. He was a master of such misdirection.

After he was done his classes for the day he went home. Shunsui wasn't there, so he went to the gardens to practice his Jinzen again. He could feel how close he was. Slipping easily into Jinzen, he slid into his inner world.

_His inner world was composed of sand._

_The grains of it crunched beneath his booted feet as he walked through the endless sand dunes. There were no mountains of bones, thankfully. But the only illumination was the crescent moon and Starrk paused, looking up at the stark beauty that was Hueco Mundo. It was, perhaps, no surprise that his inner world looked like this. What else did he really know?_

_But there were things that did not really belong in Hueco Mundo. Like the river of dark water that cut through the dunes. It was moving slowly, the currents of the surface betraying the treacherous nature of the water beneath. Starrk knelt in the sand by the water, looking at his reflection. It was fractured by the movement of the water, but he could still see himself. And then he thought he saw someone else, standing behind him. He turned his head to see –_

And he was pulled out of his inner world by a hand on his shoulder. Starrk blinked, coming back to his body to see a familiar face.

"I'm sorry to break you out of your meditation. But it's time for supper." Shunsui said and Starrk nodded. He wasn't upset to be interrupted. It was quite likely that if he'd looked over his shoulder, he would have seen nothing. That had happened before.

"What are we having?" The servants would be preparing it. Shunsui was a high noble and while he didn't live with his family, he had a maid and a cook. Starrk sometimes felt that he was being spoiled by this. He would never be able to afford such a thing when he was a proper shinigami and moved out… if he did move out. Surely they wouldn't want him under Shunsui's eye forever?

"Just some sushi. Nothing fancy." He said and Starrk nodded as he stood. Soon they were at the table and Starrk swallowed as his stomach rumbled. He'd been in Jinzen longer than he'd thought and the food was very welcome. The little sushi rolls were half eel, half umeboshi plums. Starrk savored the tartness of the plum in the middle of the sushi rice. Really, they were delicious.

They ate in silence for a time, which was fine. To Starrk the silence felt warm and companionable. After perhaps half the sushi was gone, Shunsui took a sip of his tea before speaking.

"You know, Starrk, I've been wondering about you. Could you tell me a bit about yourself?" He said and Starrk blinked at him. He'd already owned up to his extremely boring history. What more could he want? "For instance, did you ever have any sexual partners in Los Noches?"

"Um…" That was an embarrassing question. Starrk felt his cheeks heat as he looked at his food. "No. Halibel was uninterested in men and I was too powerful for anyone else who might have been interesting." Ulquiorra and Barragan could have dealt with his reiatsu, but Starrk had not been attracted to either of them. Halibel, with her non-violent philosophies, could have worked "However, if you are asking if I am a virgin, the answer is no." He said quietly before popping another piece of sushi into his mouth. He chewed it and swallowed before continuing. "I began very powerful, but not as strong as I am now. I survived." That was all he would say on the matter.

"I rather assumed that, as old as you must be. I suppose what I'm asking is, are you attracted to men?" Shunsui asked and Starrk paused with his teacup halfway to his lips. Was he…?

"Are you coming onto me, taichou-san?" He finally asked, feeling cushioned by disbelief. Shunsui smiled at him before leaning closer, over the table.

"Would it surprise you to know that I thought you were attractive when we fought, Starrk?" He said softly and Starrk blinked. He could honestly say nothing like that had ever crossed his mind. "If you're interested…" He said and Starrk dropped his gaze to his plate, feeling a twist deep in his heart. Shunsui was offering a frolic, a bit of play. Unfortunately that just didn't work.

"I'm sorry. I must decline." He said quietly and lifted his gaze. Shunsui didn't seem offended, just thoughtful. "It is not that I find you unattractive, but I am not a… casual person. When I attempted to court Halibel I was most serious in my intentions." He'd wanted a full Mating bond with her, a lifetime commitment. It had been disappointing when she'd declined although the reason for it was at least a salve on his ego. One thing he could never do was grow tits.

"I see. You want to be courted?" Shunsui said musingly and Starrk hesitated before nodding. If the other man was serious, that was what he would insist on. "You know, I think I might like that… although we're both men. I do wonder why I should be doing all the work?" He asked and Starrk chuckled softly.

"You brought it up." He pointed out. "And if you want me to return the favor, I will. What kind of kill would you prefer? Deer, duck?" He asked seriously and Shunsui stared at him before laughing. "I'm very good with fish."

"Ah, Starrk! You know, you could just hunt me down some chocolates." He said cheerfully and Starrk smiled before sipping his tea.

"But that would hardly demonstrate my prowess to you. I suppose I could pick a fight with the strongest person I could find… Kenpachi taichou would no doubt be willing to humor me…" He said lightly and saw Shunsui choke at the thought. "And you could stand at the sidelines cheering me on…"

"Ah… perhaps I should do the courting then. Hollow methods seem to be a bit physical." He said after a moment and Starrk smiled. "So. Would you like to go dancing, perhaps?"

"Mmm. I've never danced in my life. But I think I would like to try." If Shunsui was serious about this Starrk was willing to go along with it. Did he find the man attractive? He had to think about it hard for a moment before deciding that he did. Any physical attraction had been masked by the lingering pain of his death, but he was largely past that.

Perhaps this would be a sign that he had truly moved on.

* * *

_Today. Yes._

_Starrk could feel it. Feel the power welling up inside, the pregnant expectation in the air. He walked through the sand dunes, searching for his zanpakuto. It was here. He would find it._

_Again, he knelt by the river banks. Again, he saw the reflection behind him. But this time when he turned he met turquoise blue eyes. He could see the depth of pain in those eyes, the aching loneliness and the deep sting of betrayal. The disinclination to trust coupled with the desperate desire to reach out. It moved him and Starrk came to his feet before taking the spirit in a warm embrace. He felt the brush of shaggy brown hair, the warmth of fur against his cheek and the trembling of the zanpakuto against him._

" _Shh. I am here. You will never be alone again." He whispered in the spirit's ear. "I will never be alone again. We will be together, for as long as we live." He could not promise how long that would be. "I will never betray you, never leave you."_

" _Yes. I feel that in you…" The zanpakuto had a beautiful voice, so soothing. Starrk enjoyed the sound of it, closing his eyes for a moment. "Your soul has cried out to me. But you must say my name, if you wish to unlock my power." Starrk almost laughed. That was so easy, now. He knew the power his soul had called._

" _Muramasa." He said and the zanpakuto sagged in relief. His eyes were so vulnerable... "Muramasa."_

* * *

"Muramasa."

"What did you say?" Starrk blinked as he came out of Jinzen to see Shunsui giving him an odd look. He opened his mouth to tell the other man he'd found his zanpakuto –

_No!_ Muramasa's voice was a whip crack in his mind and Starrk blinked. _You cannot mention me!_

"Nothing. Just an idle thought." Starrk lied as smoothly as he could. Shunsui looked at him even more oddly for a moment before shaking his head.

"You worry me sometimes." He murmured and Starrk just gave him a confused look. It was easy since he had no idea what the problem was. Now was not the time to get an explanation, though. "It's almost time for us to leave. Perhaps you should change?"

"Ah. Yes, perhaps." He said, collecting himself. He was wearing his Academy uniform which would hardly be ideal for a night out on the town. "Just a moment." He pushed himself to his feet before heading inside. When he got to his room, he changed into something without really looking at it. He preferred plain yukata anyway, usually in black or brown.

_That needs a good red obi to set it off._ Muramasa commented and Starrk paused, a touch surprised. _What? I like fashion._

"Um… alright." He supposed there was no rule that a zanpakuto had to be like his or her wielder in all ways. "Do I even have a red obi?" As it turned out, he did. And it did go very nicely with the black yukata. "Thank you."

_Not too loudly. He might hear you._ To Starrk, his zanpakuto sounded as nervous as a cat in a dog convention. Frowning, he went out and blushed lightly as Shunsui smiled at him. It felt strange, to have someone looking at him that way. _You have difficulty believing it is real._

_Yes, and that is unfair to him._ Starrk thought back to his zanpakuto. He knew his feelings on the matter had more to do with his own insecurities than anything. When he'd been an Espada, he'd had his rank to give his confidence a boost. Here and now he had nothing, unless you counted his vast reieryoku. Starrk thought that was more a liability than an asset, though. _I do not think he would lie to me about this._ After all, why should he? If Shunsui wanted he could keep the young plus soul under his gaze forever, by insisting he stay with him. Starrk would not refuse, when his position was so perilous. It followed that Shunsui did find him attractive.

Starrk wasn't entirely sure why, though. He thought of himself as average at best. He had no unusual coloring, not like Grimmjow or Szayel. His face was symmetrical and his body was not bad, but that was not hard to find among the arrancar. Really, if he hadn't been the Primera he would never have dared approach Halibel. Appearance wise, she had been far above him. And Starrk did not think his personality was any kind of asset. His difficulty with social situations was not an attractive thing…

"Penny for your thoughts?" That voice in his ear made Starrk shiver. He turned his head to meet grey eyes, seeing a pleasant warmth there. Lust? How strange.

"I am wondering why you want me." He said, softly. A flicker of surprise passed over Shunsui's face. "I am making things difficult for you and I am not particularly attractive." Really, he was surprised that Shunsui hadn't tired of him already. "Nor can I bear you children." As a hollow he could have and with his reiatsu, a courtship would have made sense. As a shinigami, though, that was impossible.

"You know, Starrk, Lilinette knows you very well." Starrk blinked at that comment, then shivered a little as Shunsui leaned closer, his breath hot against his skin. "She mentioned that you don't reach out partly because you think that no one will like you. She also said she thought it was absurd." That made him blush and wish Lilinette didn't talk quite so much. "I think she's right. Don't you see how remarkable you are?"

"I, uh… no?" He said after a moment, bewildered. "There's nothing special about me." He meant that, completely. Shunsui stared at him for a moment before shaking his head.

"You mean that." He sounded wondering and Starrk flushed at the tone. "You know, not everyone can come up with a new kido spell. Personally, I can't." He said and Starrk looked away.

"I haven't done it yet." He said, feeling a touch embarrassed. That was a project for his kido class. It was going well though. There was a laugh beside him.

"You will. I showed it to Nanao and she says it's quite promising." He said and Starrk was surprised. He knew that Nanao was very, very good with kido. "And your other skills… you're amazing. You'll be a taichou someday, Starrk."

"Mmm. Will I?" He murmured, remembering Muramasa's urgent need to not be revealed. There was a huge problem there, he knew it and would have to look into it later.

"Of course you will. And personally, I think you're remarkable." A warm hand caught his chin and Starrk was forced to look at Shunsui. The man seemed very sincere. "Being with you is like sitting on the banks of a calm, deep river." Starrk blinked as he was reminded of how he'd loved to spend his time, as a plus soul. Sitting on the banks of the river had always been his favorite thing. "You're so quiet, so mysterious. I never know what you're thinking until you say something that surprises me."

"Really?" Starrk had never thought of himself as mysterious. But then, the only person he was really with all the time was Lilinette, who knew him so well she could probably recite his thoughts aloud. Starrk caught his hands in Shunsui's yukata, swallowing as the man's hand left his chin and slid behind his head, through his hair. "Will you feel that way even after you know me as well as Lilinette does, taichou-san?" He asked quietly and saw a flash of something strange in Shunsui's eyes. Hurt?

"Count on it, Starrk-san." He said before pulling him into a kiss. Starrk responded passionately, feeling the intensity of the moment. This… was real. He didn't know if it could go on forever, didn't know what the future would hold, but he knew what was in the present. And this was not a lie. "Starrk… do you want…?"

"Yes." He whispered, closing his eyes for a moment as he felt a flutter of fear in his chest. This would be the first time he'd laid with a man in a voluntary fashion. He would be a liar if he said he wasn't afraid. Yet, he wanted to do this. "Yes." He was kissed again, deep and full, before Shunsui let him go.

"Let's go home." Shunsui said, warmth and lust in his face and voice. Starrk nodded, feeling anticipation rising inside him. He did want this… following Shunsui, he wondered what it would be like. And he hoped very much that he met his soon to be lover's expectations.

Really, that was more important than his own pleasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I think the next chapter will be from Shunsui's perspective, hehe… how am I doing? Let me know please! ^_^


	4. Chapter 4

Shunsui looked into his sake cup, feeling pensive.

He was drinking at the Eighth Division. He could imagine where Starrk would be… at his kido class, looking at a paper with intense concentration as he worked on equations that would make most shinigami stare in incomprehension. Or perhaps he would be outside, casting spells of utter devastation with a calm, composed expression.

_Can't he see how remarkable that is?_ Shunsui shook his head at the thought because he knew the answer was no. Starrk's innate power was easily on his own level, perhaps even higher. Roughly equivalent to Soutaichou Yamamoto? Perhaps. Yet, he had no trouble casting kido. That was remarkable.

Everything about Starrk was remarkable. He was well read, intelligent. His grasp of the sword was easily taichou-level and now that he was mastering shunpo, he was gaining the speed to go along with it. He was going to be the top of his class. The only subject at the Academy that he was poor at was citizenship. Shunsui smiled in amusement at the thought. Starrk's take on the laws of Soul Society was cynical, to say the least, and he hadn't quite mastered the art of the acceptable answer. His too accurate commentaries tended to make him fail tests.

Starrk's lack of self-confidence was also remarkable. All his instructors had mentioned it, although they had praised his lack of arrogance. Shunsui shook his head at the thought. He'd been called arrogant often enough, when he'd been a student. And he wasn't the only one… _Juushiro_ had been called that a time or two. Sometimes, pardonable pride and a realistic assessment of what you could do was interpreted as arrogance. So while it was good that Starrk wasn't going the other way – Kuchiki Kouga had been a good example of that mindset – this probably wasn't great either.

What really bothered him about Starrk, though, was that name he'd heard the other man murmur as he came out of Jinzen. _Muramasa._ Shunsui brought the sake to his lips, taking a long, slow sip as he thought about it. He hadn't imagined that name and Muramasa was, for good or for ill, a zanpakuto. Zanpakuto spirits went for rebirth with their wielders, waiting until another soul called out to them. Could this truly be Starrk's zanpakuto?

Shunsui thought it could. Both had been betrayed and callously discarded by their masters. Starrk's lonely heart could easily have called out to a zanpakuto who would uniquely understand his plight. And then there was the darker side of things… Starrk did not trust the shinigami around him. It made sense that his heart would desire a power that was uniquely suited to dealing with other shinigami.

"Better than Kouga." He murmured to himself. That man's personality had been quite a bit different. He hadn't known the man much but he knew he'd been extremely arrogant. For him, Muramasa's power had been a reflection of how he liked to make other people dance to his tune. Much like Aizen but not nearly as clever or subtle. But should he mention his suspicions to anyone else?

After a brief moment, Shunsui decided not to. He only had a murmured word and his personal suspicions, after all. And there was the very unfortunate possibility that this revelation might be the deciding factor that would move Yamamoto to order Starrk's execution or imprisonment. Shunsui couldn't bear the thought of that. He was absolutely certain Starrk was no threat, now. And the small sweet smile on his face after they'd… he smiled as he thought about it. Taking Starrk as his lover hadn't been part of his orders. In fact, Yama-jii hadn't been terribly happy about it. But Shunsui couldn't help himself. The young man was just adorable –

"Shunsui?" Speaking of which. He looked up from his sake to see a head and shoulders and a shy smile. "We had a half-day today so I brought you some lunch."

"You did?" That surprised him. But then, Starrk had an allowance, courtesy of the Academy. All non-noble students did since many of them were completely penniless. "That's very kind of you! I forgot mine." Actually, he'd already eaten a bit. But darling Nanao-chan felt it was her duty to look after him in all things and tried to make sure he got a 'healthy' lunch once a week. He didn't want to hurt her feelings so he accepted it, but vegetarian meals were definitely not his thing.

"No you didn't. I can see the carrot sticks in your trash can, you know." Starrk said softly, making sure Nanao didn't hear. He couldn't help but chuckle. "How do steamed pork buns sound?"

"Excellent." They were one of his favorite things to eat with sake. He accepted the bag with a smile. Starrk opened a second bag and pulled out his own lunch, a box of sticky rice with mushrooms and sausage. It looked rather oily to his gaze, but he knew Starrk enjoyed that. "How has your spell been coming?" He asked after taking a bite of a pork bun. Starrk looked up from his food with a smile.

"Very well. I tested it yesterday, I think I've almost perfected it. It took several blasts from a level 50 kido before collapsing." He said and Shunsui nodded. "I'm hoping to make it stronger though. Although if I follow the path I'm thinking of, most shinigami won't be able to use it."

"Hmm? How so?" He asked curiously and Starrk frowned, looking at his food for a moment.

"I was thinking… several streams of force, to continuously reinforce different sections of the shield." He said after a moment and Shunsui frowned. "But that's very complicated for most people to cast and would require a high reiatsu to deal with the demands. The stronger the one casting, the longer it would take for the shield to fail."

"Ah, I see." Shunsui mused as he took another bite of his bun. "A very specialized kido. But the world needs those as well… I know Nanao has some shieldings that are similar." Starrks' ideas weren't completely new. But how could they be? Practically everything had already been done. A true kido master, though, could improvise new spells on the fly. "Have you tried to improvise?" Kido instructors didn't really teach that. Starrk looked at him, mildly confused. "Create a new spell very quickly? Nothing complicated but in a real battle, a true kido master can do that. You remember the man who helped Soi Fon against Barragan?" There was a flash of pain in Starrk's eyes, but Shunsui didn't think they should pretend the past hadn't happened. Starrk could learn from it.

"I was a bit busy at the time." He pointed out, which made Shunsui smile. Oh yes, he'd been keeping the arrancar busy. "But I see what you mean. I'll try that in practice. It should be interesting." Starrk took a sip of his tea, his eyes thoughtful. Shunsui had a reasonably good idea of what he was thinking. He was so lacking in trust… but would he vocalize it? "I do wonder that you would want me to." The young man said after a moment. "I must be worrying everyone with my power already."

"Starrk, I want you to be the best that you can be." He said sincerely and saw a small, uncertain smile on the other man's face. "And I will stand behind you, no matter what." That… was probably not a wise thing. Yet, it was how he felt. He saw a flash of surprise cross Starrk's face. "You can trust me, you know." He said softly and that surprise dimmed into a quiet sadness.

"I know, but that only changes my worry." Starrk said and Shunsui gave him a questioning look. "If I can truly trust you, then I do not worry about you… I worry _for_ you." He said and Shunsui blinked before smiling.

"Oh Starrk, don't worry for me. I can take care of myself." He said lightly and Starrk gave him a skeptical look.

"I'm relatively certain that horrible old man could turn you into a cinder, if he truly wanted to." He said and Shunsui pretended to wince.

"Oh, he almost did once. It was quite a battle!" Of course, Juushiro had been by his side. Facing Yama-jii on his own, well, that would be dicey. And Shunsui was aware of the fact that Juushiro wasn't entirely behind him this time. Rukia had been a member of his unit. Starrk was just a defeated enemy and a young cadet. Of course, Juu might help because of their friendship but he might not, too. "Still, there's no reason it should come to that." He said easily, steadfastedly ignoring that name he'd heard on Starrk's lips. The former arrancar nodded and they just ate in peace for a while. Shunsui enjoyed the silence, just watching Starrk's deft handling of the chopsticks. Eating fried rice with them was never that easy but he made it look graceful. It made him think of the other graceful things Starrk could do…

Enjoying that pleasant thought, he finished his pork bun and started on another, taking a sip of his sake. Starrk took a sip of something from a take-out drink container and Shunsui looked at it curiously.

"What is that?" The color was mildly alarming. It looked like a smurf had landed in a blender.

"Blueberry spinach swirl with yogurt." Starrk said before taking a sip. "Would you like to try it?" From the small smile on his face, he thought the young man was teasing. Shunsui shook his head with a smile.

"No, thank you." It didn't sound very appetizing to him. In fact, it reminded him a bit of Nanao's special lunches. "Trying to get your vegetables in?" The spinach part made him think that might be the purpose. Starrk chuckled softly.

"I can tell myself that to justify it but the truth is, I just like it." He said and Shunsui chuckled. "It's delicious in a rather suspicious way. I'm sure it's full of sugar."

"Most likely." He said and Starrk smiled before pushing himself up.

"Well, I really should be going. I think I'll go practice my kido, maybe try some improvisation." He said and Shunsui nodded.

"I should get back to my work. Good luck." He said easily and Starrk tossed out his container before leaving, taking his drink with him. Shunsui polished off the last pork bun before standing and stretching. He should probably check to see what his shinigami were doing and just stretch his legs a bit…

"Kyoraku taichou?" Ah, his lovely Nanao-chan. He turned to look at her with a smile. "Was that Starrk-san?" She sounded a bit reserved. She didn't dislike the young man but had mentioned that it was very much a May-December romance. Except, Shunsui didn't really think that was true. Starrk had all his memories. How long had he lived in Hueco Mundo before Aizen had scooped him up?

"Yes, indeed. We were just having lunch together." He said easily, hoping she wouldn't notice the grease on his haori. Nanao could be terribly perceptive sometimes. She seemed a bit distracted today, though.

"We seem to be having an issue with the Third seat of the Sixth Division…" She began detailing the problem and he listened, nodding occasionally before suggesting a solution. Inter-Division cooperation could be a bit difficult, sometimes.

They both looked up as they heard a muffled _whump_ in the distance. Going to the window, Shunsui reached up to scratch under his hat as he saw the rising plume of smoke.

"My, my, an explosion?" But there was no other sign of trouble. _Odd._ Frowning, he tried to decide where it had come from. It was hard to tell. The Third Division and the Academy were both in that general area… then a hell butterfly came fluttering in. Arching an eyebrow he touched it and it obligingly disgorged its message.

_Kyoraku taichou, if you can attend to your student we would much appreciate it._ That was the voice of the headmaster of the Academy and Shunsui blinked in surprise before feeling a great deal of concern.

"What could have happened?" Nanao said, wondering aloud. "We should probably go see." She said and he nodded, signaling to the hell butterfly that he'd received the message. Then he jumped into shunpo, heading for the Academy. He sensed Nanao following and didn't shoo her off. She was curious.

"I suggested he could try improvising with kido – " He started and almost misstepped as Nanao suddenly shrieked.

"KYORAKU TAICHOU! You said WHAT?" She said and he glanced at her, blinking as he dropped out of shunpo at the Academy gates. "That is very dangerous! It's only taught in the kido corps and under careful supervision and wards! How could you do something so foolish?"

"I, uh… oh." Now he understood what was going on. Grimacing, he looked over the Academy. Yes, the plume of smoke was very impressive. Suddenly very worried, he searched for Starrk's reiatsu. He quickly found it, to his relief. It was dim and felt like the man might be in shock, but he was clearly alive. "I'm sorry?" He hadn't realized it could be dangerous. Suddenly, he felt like an idiot. He'd had kido spells explode in his face when he was learning. How much likelier would that be when trying to plait them together on the fly? But it had been so long since he'd had one explode that he just hadn't thought about it.

"You should be! I hope he's alright…" They arrived in the practice grounds, then, and saw a very interesting crater. Interesting because there was an upraised hill in the centre while deep lines had been dug around it in a pattern that Shunsui didn't recognize. "Oh thank kami, he was working with shielding kido." Nanao sounded relieved as Shunsui looked for Starrk. "Those never backflow as badly."

"There he is." It wasn't really that hard to spot his protégé. He was on the ground, being tended to by two of the kido teachers. They might not be the best at healing but they all had some skill with it. "Oh kami." There were burns all along his arms. Fortunately, they looked largely superficial, but a few of them were blistering. "Starrk, can you hear me?" He asked as he knelt beside the stricken man. Grey eyes opened for a moment, dazed and unseeing. Shunsui rested a hand against his forehead and found the heat there was intense.

"He will recover soon. However, he has done extensive damage to the Academy grounds through sheer recklessness." The headmaster sounded extremely disapproving and Shunsui winced to himself before giving the man a charming smile.

"I'm afraid it's my fault. I suggested he should try improvising kido. My lovely Nanao-chan says I should keep my mouth shut about things I know nothing about." He said lightly and the man looked quite surprised to hear his admission of guilt. "Please, send us a bill for the damages. I'll have it taken care of." Either from the Division budget or just his personal fortune. Hopefully it wouldn't be too much, but only the grounds had been damaged, not the buildings. The headmaster looked surprised but nodded, mostly mollified by his explanation. "Should I take him home?" Starrk only had a half day, he must have come by to practice on his own time.

"You should. He won't be able to do any kido for hours, at the very least." Nanao said firmly and he nodded as Starrk groaned. Eyelids fluttered and the young plus soul lifted a shaking hand, running it over his face.

"What happened…?" He asked as Shunsui gently helped him to his feet. "I feel… so…" He looked around and his eyes went wide. "What?! Did I…?"

"I'm afraid so. Nanao-chan has quite firmly told me to keep my mouth shut when I don't know what I'm talking about." He said lightly and smiled as he saw her blush. "Apparently, improvising is an advanced skill and getting it wrong…" He said and Starrk winced.

"I'm sorry." He apologized as Shunsui shook his head with a smile.

"Not your fault. Let me take you home." He definitely needed a rest. Starrk nodded, utterly exhausted. Shunsui smiled to himself before sweeping Starrk off his feet, to the young man's surprise.

"H-Hey! I can walk." He protested and Shunsui shook his head.

"It would take too long." He couldn't use shunpo in his condition. "Just relax." He said as Starrk huffed and gripped his neck, holding on as he jumped into shunpo. It didn't take him long to get the cadet home and into bed. Going back to the Eighth, he wondered how much this mistake would cost him. No doubt Nanao already had a bill ready. Still, he didn't mind.

He was just glad that Starrk was fine.

* * *

_I told you not to do that._

"I know. I'm sorry for not listening." Starrk murmured as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He felt tired and sick but his mind was too active to allow him to sleep just yet. There was a sniff from his zanpakuto.

_You did it to impress him. You follow him around like a puppy, desperate for any scraps of affection he might give you._ Muramasa sounded disapproving and Starrk flinched. He knew that was true, although he was careful to keep his neediness to himself. It was not an attractive trait. _You should have more confidence in yourself._

"Mmmhmm." Starrk hummed, not quite agreeing or disagreeing. Muramasa had a point. He knew he lacked confidence. But then, Shunsui had killed him at the height of his power. Why should he be so confident in himself? He was much weaker now.

_You are not weaker._ Muramasa said, following his thoughts effortlessly. _A hollow's power is limited to ceros and innate abilities. You are more flexible now and you have me as well. Do you not see how powerful you will be?_ Starrk sighed at the observation.

"Of course I know that. But what good does it do me?" He asked, pushing himself up. He'd laid on the bed long enough. He would take a bath, change and read a book. "I will never be strong enough." Not strong enough to protect himself from their wrath. Not strong enough to protect Lilinette.

_You could be that strong._ Muramasa said and Starrk smiled wryly as he started to run the water. _You could be stronger than any of them, stronger than that old man you fear so much. You could force them to acknowledge you –_

"Like Kouga?" He said dryly and received a wounded silence in reply. "Ah, my sword, I know you want the best for me. I know it hurts you to see me held in disregard. But I don't want to be known as the strongest. I remember where that led." Pitted against the greatest champions of Soul Society, his life thrown away on the altar of Aizen's ambitions… Starrk shivered for a moment before he stepped into the hot water. The mild pain of it chased the memories away. "I don't want to be anyone important. I want to be ignored, floating beneath their notice."

_Like Aizen?_ Starrk flinched at that too apt comparison. Leaning back in the tub, he gazed at the ceiling as he thought. Aizen? Was he truly mimicking the man who had led him to his death?

"…I suppose I am using the same tactics." He finally said, trying to be honest with himself. "But for a very different reason. He was hiding his power and ambition, but to keep himself free to use them, not out of fear. I just want to be left alone. Is that really so much to ask?" Shutting off the water, he reached for the soap. After that explosion, he felt grimy.

_For someone of your power? Yes. Do you think you will be able to hide me forever?_ Now Murama's voice held some anxiety and Starrk smiled as he lathered himself.

"Why not? Aizen kept the nature of his shikai hidden for hundreds of years." He said after a moment. "He was made taichou on the strength of his reiatsu without even using it. And as far as I can tell, they aren't forcing shinigami to reveal their powers." That seemed odd to him. Hadn't the shinigami learned anything? But then, they were very set in their ways. "I don't care if I never make seated officer, let alone fukutaichou."

_That is only because all your expenses are paid for by your lover._ Muramasa said and Starrk's lips quirked up as he scooped up water, using it to wash the lather away.

"Too true, but as long as he does not tire of me…" He said lightly, and heard his sword sigh.

_You have no ambition whatsoever. But it might be for the best._ His zanpakuto grumbled and Starrk settled back into his bath, closing his eyes as he just enjoyed the water. But eventually it began to cool and he stirred, lifting himself out of the tub. Then he quickly dried himself with a fluffy towel before wrapping it around his waist and going to his wardrobe. What should he wear…? _Red. You look wonderful in red._

"Hm, yes." Muramasa truly seemed to love fashion. Starrk found one particular yukata. It was a very dark red, nearly black and it reminded him of dried blood. He quickly donned it, pairing it with a brighter red obi. The soft fabric felt wonderful against his skin and he smiled as he went to the living room, finding a book. The burns were bothering him, but only a little. He'd endured much worse over the years.

Starrk read the book until his eyelids were drooping. Then he set it on the table and stretched out on the couch, allowing himself to fall into a deep sleep. He woke when a hand touched his shoulder and smiled sleepily as he saw Shunsui's concerned expression.

"I'm fine." He said, answering the unspoken question. "Just tired." His lover nodded with a small smile before letting go of him.

"Supper is served." He said cheerfully and Starrk yawned before pulling himself up. He hadn't heard the cook or maid at all, a sign of how exhausted he was after his kido mishap. The food tonight was a whole roasted fish with rice and mixed vegetables. Starrk reached out for a dish and winced as the kimono pulled away from his arm. It had been stuck there? Glancing down, he realized a blister had broken and was oozing a clear liquid. Shunsui noticed it as well and frowned. "Starrk, are you well?"

"It's nothing. I've had worse." He said truthfully. A few blisters really were nothing. Shunsui looked a bit skeptical.

"You're a bit too stoic. Make sure you tell me if it gets worse." He said and Starrk nodded, as he felt Muramasa's approval in the back of his mind. His zanpakuto had already cautioned him about the possibility of infection.

After supper, Starrk was in too much pain to be interested in intimacy and Shunsui knew it. Instead they just lay together, Shunsui's arm draped loosely over his side as he faced away from his lover. After a moment, Starrk stirred. He trusted Shunsui. Trusted him with… everything…

"His name is Muramasa." He said, firm and clear. He could sense the surprise behind him, before there was a soft chuckle. Warm lips caressed the back of his neck and Starrk sighed, eyes half-closing at that gesture.

"I already knew. But thank you for trusting me." That warmed him to his toes and Starrk smiled as he rested a hand on Shunsui's wrist. Feeling deeply comforted and warm, he closed his eyes and allowed sleep to claim him.


End file.
